Leading is listening
Confession: I am that person behind you at Target inquiring about the shampoo in your cart; the gal shifting a bit closer to your museum group to ask your guide a question (or two). Yet despite my innate chutzpah, early on as a group facilitator, a client took me aside, mid-focus group, telling me that I seemed, “afraid to ask the hard questions.” Yikes.
I ran the rest of the group like a matador in the bullfight of her life but, later, had to admit that I had been afraid – to probe deeper, to disturb comfort zones, to provoke.
In a career of thousands of interviews, to help me dive headfirst into prickly situations, I’ve honed some working principles. While we don’t all interview people for a living, most of us must ask questions to improve our proposals/ projects/employees’ experiences.
Some tips:
Accept discomfort as a tool. I’m sure you’re usually thoroughly prepared but, holding too tightly to an agenda can curb the unpredictable, the serendipitous. Embrace the awkward. It shows that you are growing. Spend your time, then, making it real, not right.
Try this: Visualize three different tangents the convo can take: the bad, the ugly and whatever is worse. Follow through to the end. The brain doesn’t distinguish between the real and imagined. If you can sit in the uncertainty in your imagination, you’re training your brain to do the same IRL.
Show your feelings. If you are a sentient being, talking about emotional issues (as most problems drill down to) will make you feel. How you manage your feelings while staying on track reveals your professional competence. I have cried with interviewees, and then apologized. I have shared in people’s awe or disappointment, and then asked how they might do it differently next time. Sure, I’ve exposed some of myself, but it feels authentic. In fact, it often helps people feel more comfortable revealing more of themselves.
When faced with a potentially emotionally incendiary situation, try this: Frame it as such and give your conversation partner some choice in engaging, “This is a hard thing to talk about and I feel uncomfortable/anxious/nervous, would this be a good time to bring it up?” Now they have some agency, and it can be a dance vs a takedown.
Know when to shut up. In my many years of interviewing, it’s clear that most people yearn to be heard. A dynamic conversation, then, doesn’t mean that you, the interviewer, does the talking. At best, you probe at the right moments which appear in their own time. So, use silence like a muscle – sometimes you flex, sometimes you release - and let your interviewee fill it with their stories (not your ideas). A good ramble is a tapestry of thoughts, ruminations, and unvarnished truths.
If you find silence hard, try this: Count to 3/6/9 or take three deep breaths before responding; sit on your hands to remember to stay silent; tell your interviewee in advance that you like to take a beat before responding so you have permission to be quiet.
Don’t fear putting words in their mouths. Many people, especially mid-story, don’t always know what to make of their experiences. Emotions, in particular, are complex, and shape shift (Angry or hurt? Disappointed or embarrassed?). So, act as their mirror. When you reflect their story, often, they can see it more clearly.
Try this: Sum up what your conversation partner has been saying. “What I’m hearing is that ____ and you seemed to leave you feeling ______.” I know I’ve done my job well when someone I’m talking to says, “Actually, it’s not like any of your options, it’s more like ZZZ.” Ahh, yes, of course it is.
TO THINK ABOUT
For You: Practice these techniques in low stakes environments to try them on for size: at a dinner party, at the grocery store, with your kids. Be intentional about trying one tactic and reflecting back on it afterwards: How comfortable was it? How much more silence could you hold? What value did it bring to your interviewee that you didn’t offer a solution?
For Your Team: Think about putting together a formal buddy program where two people can mentor each other around common team activities or deliverables - it will spread authority around and give people a chance to coach up and down (generation, experience level). As their team leader, read this. Simple, succinct and actionable.
And if you want to chat about any of these, or check into how to better implement in your life, reach out.
